Not Exactly Quid Pro Quo

NO, I didn't invent this but I think it's genius nonetheless (!) - as an aside, I also love love LOVE the word 'nonetheless' - I mean, is that really allowed to count as one word?? It's got balls, I'll give it that!!

Anyway, back on track - it's about those people on the street collecting money for blind puppies or something.
Ok, ok, I know I'm so not the first to write or speak about this, but it's part of my everyday battle, so I simply must be allowed a platform (in fact it was someone else who wrote about them long before me, who came up with the name 'Chuggers' - Charity + Muggers).

Now, generally I don't shrink away from chuggers, (except some of them - some of them just ask to be shrunken away from - or maybe just plain shrunken) I usually just look them in them a smile (a reassuring "good for you, but as I'm sure you're aware I'm far too late and skint to stop and chat" smile. Sometimes a "Hello, yes I'm fine thanks", (at least to the first ten of the day) the other day I even let one take my hand (he was ever so pretty) - that was a big fucken mistake. I kept up my brisk pace expecting a swift (yet sensual) clasping of hands without breaking my stride - he nearly yanked my fricken arm off. Pretty or not, I won't be doing that again, and may I suggest you don't either.

Now, I'm not saying that my tactics always or even mostly work. Damn, they're bloody good at what they do... but... when I'm on my bike I would have thought I'm pretty much unstoppable. Still they persist. They practically throw themselves in front of my wheel - my GOD those puppies must be cute.
I'm half expecting them to ram a steel bar between my spokes next time. If any of you lot are reading this, don't get any funny ideas please.

One day one of them leapt in front of me and recklessly asked if my brakes worked. I swear on my life that I was at that very moment on my way to the bike shop in Park Street to get my brakes fixed. (Bristol can be very dangerous with limited braking capacity - lots of hills and waterways).
I was so startled all I could do was swerve violently and call back over my shoulder at the wide eyed lass "ah no, sorry, just on my way to get them looked at now" while I coasted towards an oncoming bus.

But, it's not always a good laugh, a near-miss with a bus, or a torn shoulder ligament. Sometimes it gets downright ugly.
I was once (preoccupied with my own selfish thoughts, of course) accosted by a chugger who pulled out the unscrupulous line of "Hello... are you interested in deaf children?"... Me: "Uh... no, no I'm not."
Well! You shoulda seen the fire of righteous indignation in his eyes (well, I shoulda too, but luckily I managed to squirm, like the heartless worm that I am, into a passing bustle of strangers) as I heard him shout with all fury of a... well... of a chugger, chugging for deaf kiddies "Gah! [sound of revulsion] This ones not interested in deaf children...! What kind of a ...!"

Luckily he trailed of at that point as I disappeared into the aural comfort of the nearest record store...